I Know I’m in There Somewhere:
A Woman’s Guide to Finding Her Inner Voice and Living a Life of Authenticity
by Helen Brenner with Laurence Letcich
NY Gotham Books, Division of Penguin Group, 2003
reviewed by Ann Weiser Cornell, PhD
This article originally appeared in the July 2003 issue of The
Focusing Connection (Subscribe).
"At last! Finally! Yes!" These are my reactions
as I hold this beautiful and inspiring, warm, wise, and
funny book in my hands. How rare it is that something appears
which is so validating of the Focusing viewpoint, yet positioned
for such a wide audience! We Focusers tend too much to write
and speak for and to each other – I'm as guilty of
this as anyone – and forget that our messages and
methods have wide application for a world of people hungry
for ways to understand and heal themselves and their relationships.
I Know I'm in There Somewhere delivers on every level:
the deep veins of the Focusing philosophy are offered in
a nurturing matrix of wisdom, speaking directly to the hearts
and souls of women (and by implication men as well) who
are yearning to find again the inner guidance to en-spirit
their lives.
Helene Brenner is a longtime Focusing teacher and Focusing-oriented
therapist, and a dear friend and colleague of mine. (I should
say in the interest of full disclosure that I am mentioned
a number of times in this book, and I'm proud that my "formulations
and practices" have contributed to something so fine.)
Helene got the idea to write this book when she realized
that something consistent was happening with her therapy
clients. I'll let her tell it: "Working with my clients,
I found that at some point in therapy, they would have moments
when a switch would occur in their consciousness. ... Women
would go from seeing themselves and their lives from the
outside to feeling them from the inside. They'd feel a surge
of good feeling about who they were, and whatever they thought
they had to change about themselves they'd see in an entirely
new light.
"I saw these experiences as central to the therapy
I was doing. I saw women come more alive as they trusted
more and more what their own hearts, minds, and souls were
telling them. And I looked for ways to help women come to
their own inner voices more quickly and predictably."
This book is the result.
There is something quite radical in this book. Helene writes:
"I truly believe that you don't have to change or fix
or improve yourself in order to be happy." And: "You
don't have to be bigger or braver or smarter or more organized
than you are to begin pursuing your inner visions -- and
you don't have to clean out your closets first!" Why
does almost anyone interested in personal growth own shelves
full of self-help books, mostly unread and certainly unsatisfying?
Because most of these books give a subtle or not-so-subtle
message that something is wrong with you and you must fix
yourself (with their exercises and methods) in order to
be OK. It's the saddest trick of modern culture: evoke an
inadequacy and then sell the remedy that claims to fill
it.
We know that something is wrong, somehow, and so no wonder
we buy these books. Yet the experience of being "wrong"
inside is a key part of the problem, and having it reinforced
truly doesn't help. On the other hand, that sense of wrongness
does need to be heard, as a starting place. Helene walks
this line with grace, filling me with admiration: rarely
does a book for a popular audience have so much of a sense
of holding the ambiguity: being able to affirm that both
are true -- something is wrong, and we are deeply OK.
"What really works is so simple it's hard to believe.
It's stopping your efforts to fix. It's getting below all
the voices in your mind telling you what's wrong with you
and how to change yourself and simply allowing what is truly
happening to emerge. And then accepting and being with it,
exactly as it is. Time and time again, this has made all
the difference in the world."
The key message of this book is that women (and all of us
really) have lost connection with something Helene calls
"the inner voice," and that reconnecting with
it is the key to living a fulfilled and fulfilling life.
What is the inner voice? I wondered as I began to read.
Is she really talking about Focusing by another name? The
answer I came to find is that the inner voice is not the
same as Focusing, but it's something Focusing can help us
find.
"When it feels right, there's a sense of an inner resonance,
an inner matching. When a thought or an action doesn't match,
it feels 'dissonant', discordant, wrong, like something
within you disagreeing. I know that people are getting back
in touch with their inner self when they stop saying, 'Why
am I doing this? What's wrong with me? Can you make this
bad feeling go away?' and begin checking with themselves
and saying, for example, 'Gee, I thought I felt this way,
but I really don't. This is how I feel.'"
The inner voice as Helene describes it is something that
everyone who does Focusing will know, I'm sure. Yet perhaps
we haven't had as much validation for it, certainly not
from the culture around us, as we need in order to really
believe in it. "Your inner voice is the wisdom of your
entire self as it makes itself known to you. It expresses
itself in many ways; as impulses, as urges, as body feelings,
as a sense of knowing what you need and what to do, as a
deep desire, and sometimes as a wisdom that can seem to
come from beyond your physical body. Your inner voice directs
you toward greater fulfillment in your life the way a flower
turns toward the sun."
If you want belief in the power of the inner voice experience,
all you have to do is read the many stories Helene has collected,
mostly from her own clients' experiences, about their realizations
and transformations. I loved the story of Robin, a minister
who had stopped enjoying her work, and in fact had stopped
enjoying practically everything. She was smiling and smiling,
hiding her feelings from everyone -- including herself --
until the day in Helene's office when she acknowledged how
painful life had become. "I just sat there with her,
accompanying her in that painful corner of time where there
are no answers, and the only comfort is the acknowledgement
of the truth. She sat sobbing quietly, tears rolling down
her cheeks.
"The next week she had tears in her eyes -- but for
a different reason. 'This is the way I used to feel, but
I can't even remember when,' she said. 'I feel alive again.
I talk to my congregation all the time about love. But this
week, my stepson hugged me and said, "I love you,"
and for the first time, for the first time, I felt it.'"
As Focusers we know that, as Eugene Gendlin puts it, "a
few moments of feeling it in your body allows it to change."
But we aren't used to living in a world that supports and
validates that knowing. And we haven't had enough articulate
and compassionate voices speaking out for this way of being
that is not a way of fixing. What a blessing it is to read
about Helene's "ABC's: Acknowledging, Being With, and
Compassion." Isn't that truly what it's all about?
What a thrill of hope I feel as I imagine this book going
forth in the world, making an impact (Helene has already
taped one national talk-show appearance, and there will
be more) with wisdom like this: "Acknowledging means
acknowledging whatever you discover is true inside, without
judgment, even if it's a feeling or a want that you don't
think you 'should' have. When you acknowledge, you are not
denying your experience. You are not trying to change, fix,
or wish it away, and you are not making it smaller or bigger,
better or worse than it is. You are simply letting your
inner experience be, exactly the way it is."
Or this: "Compassion has many names. Gentleness. Empathy.
Tenderness. Loving-kindness. Even softness. Compassion,
especially self-compassion, is at the very heart of living
from your inner voice. Nothing can be accomplished without
it; with it, you can bring about miracles. When it is extended
to any part of your self that is stuck in suffering, that
part begins to heal. Extend compassion toward the hurt,
angry, and fearful places, the vulnerable places, the foolish
places, the clumsy and 'defective' places, and even the
darkest, most unacceptable places inside of yourself and
others, and you'll begin to feel a peace, calm and presence
within you that you can barely imagine."
Therapists Take Note
This book works on so many levels, and I need to mention
one that stood out for me: the master therapist. In Helene's
varied practice there have been clients of all kinds, including
women who have survived trauma and abuse. A number of the
stories in her book are about such women, and I can imagine
that anyone who works with clients healing from severe past
pain would be inspired and supported by Helene's willingness
to share what she actually said and did with such clients.
Sometimes popular books offer methods that would work only
if the person trying them were already 99% fully functioning.
Helene makes it clear that some of her clients have been
quite depressed and have faced severe setbacks. Treating
these issues with great respect, she also offers hope, and
that is priceless.
One can't help but feel how lucky Helene's clients are to
have her -- listening, encouraging, teaching a little, sometimes
even intervening. Take Simone, who had "what looked
like the very model of a modern egalitarian marriage."
Both she and her husband worked and cooked and did the household
chores. But her husband was following his dream, and Simone
wasn't.
"'You know, I always learned that when you got married,
you worked together, you became part of a team,' she told
me.
"'Yes, that's true,' I agreed. 'But I have to wonder,
is he part of your team?'"
The Five Pathways
There is much more in this book than I can cover in this
review. The validation of needs is a powerful gift to anyone
who has ever called themselves "needy." The section
on "outer voices" gives a different perspective
on what we often call the inner critic. The two chapters
on following the inner voice in relationships are so packed
with helpful guidance that they could certainly be a book
in themselves -- and I hope they will.
What I do want to describe before stopping is something
Helene calls the Five Pathways to the Inner Voice: Knowing,
Sensing, Feeling, Wanting, and the Voice of the Larger Self.
It is these five helpful and practical chapters, filled
with stories and what Helene calls "Innercizes,"
that form the heart of the book.
Knowing. When we feel confused and
stuck in our lives, we often find ourselves saying, "I
don't know." Helene offers specific techniques for
unlocking our inner knowing, for finding out and affirming
what we do know. Following the Innercize "What Do I
Know to Be True?", I could easily see how to start
with what I know and let that knowing expand, instead of
getting stopped by how much I don't know.
Sensing. This is the chapter in which
Focusing is central, in a message that Focusers will recognize
and applaud, while gaining perhaps new insights into its
universality. "While many still believe that it is
only through transcending the body and its feelings that
one reaches a more spiritual state of being, I believe the
very opposite is true. Predominantly, the inner voice speaks
through the body. Your path and purpose in life and the
steps you need to take become much clearer when you open
up the pathway that leads to your inner senses. Sensing
the body, far from drawing you away from your mind or your
spirit, actually leads you to an expanded sense of self."
Feeling. This chapter is called "Having
Your Feelings Without Them Having You." This is indeed
the key that so many people out there don't know: that you
can be with your emotions without becoming them. As Gendlin
used to say, "To find out how the soup smells, you
don't have to stick your head in it." Sitting with
our feelings, listening to the unheard voices, and the power
of validation are just a few of the gems in I Know I'm
in Here Somewhere.
Wanting. I have long believed that
desire is the "compass needle of the soul," and
Helene's approach to the importance of wanting is right
in line with this. In this chapter called "The Lost
Art of Wanting," she emphasizes the power of wanting.
"Wanting is the psychological vehicle, the motor, the
muscle, that moves you from where you are to where you are
going. ... Your true wants are at the very core of you,
expressing your individuality, because they are as unique
and individual as your fingerprint." The Innercizes
in this chapter are delightfully enticing, as are the ones
in the twin chapter on Manifesting later in the book. We
are invited to claim our wants, shown what to do with desires
that are really too much right now (make a "ten-degree
change"), and let the process of wanting be our guide.
The Voice of the Larger Self. Like
much of Focusing itself, this is a profoundly spiritual
book if you read between the lines. In this chapter, the
spiritual perspective is made explicit. The voice of the
Larger Self is the "spiritual guide within," and
the stories Helene tells of people in the midst of pain
getting in touch with this voice are deeply moving. Almost
by accident, as she tells it, she learned how to guide her
clients to get in touch with this Larger Self and hear its
voice. "I have heard countless Larger Self messages
by now, and what strikes me most, besides their incredible
gentleness and warmth, is how they share themes that have
been repeated in the sacred texts of all religions: You
are not alone. You are loved, exactly as you are. You have
a path and a purpose all your own for being on Earth, and
you can start unfolding toward that purpose at any moment.
You are larger and more protected than you think, and needn't
defend yourself as much as you imagine. Love is the most
important quality to manifest in all of your relationships."
This too comes in and through the body, so these messages
are known and sensed -- and therefore lead to true transformation.
The Gift of a Writer
As gifted as Helene is as a therapist, that's how gifted
her husband Larry Letich is as a writer. After Helene formed
the clear intention to write this book, Larry stepped in
and became her full-time writing partner. He is also a Focusing
teacher, and a published author on gender issues and politics.
No one who knows Larry could imagine that he kept his own
ideas out of the formation of this book! The truth is, this
book is the result of a partnership of these two compassionate
and brilliant beings, building on their unusually close
marriage of over twenty years and the interweaving of their
minds, hearts and spirits. Larry and Helene are each other's
best friends, and it shows. I Know I'm in There Somewhere
has been written and rewritten until it shines like a jewel,
and it was Larry who did most of that, especially in the
chapters on making Focusing understandable.
I can't resist mentioning how funny this book is. I chuckled
often as I was reading it. Here's one example: "This
leads to my 'toothpaste tube' theory of personal growth.
You never know what you're capable of until you're being
squeezed."
I think you've figured out by this time that I really love
and believe in this book. I'm recommending it, not just
to you, but to your families, your friends, your co-workers,
your neighbors... This is a "buy ten and give nine
away" type of book. We've always known that Focusing
could change the world. I Know I'm in There Somewhere
may be the best tool for that purpose we've had in many
years. Let's use it!
Order
I Know I'm in There Somewhere
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